The Social Internetwork is Experiencing Technical Difficulties - Please Stand By

I want to set one thing straight right from the start: I don't tweet. I will never tweet - and just in case you think that is far too much certitude to be expressing (and by the way, if you are thinking of saying "never say never!" I'll have to kill you), just ask anybody that has known me for 25 years or more. "I'll never (insert verb)" is a phrase that you will rarely hear pass my lips, but if it does, I mean it, and if memory serves, I've not invoked a take-back of that phrase so far. Example: Since I was a teen, I have always said that I will never eat Spam or Vienna sausages, at least knowingly. The most disgusting canned meat product that I'll eat, and even that is a rare occasion, is Underwood deviled ham. I know, it is absolutely nasty, probably loaded with more nitrites than meat and salty enough to cure bacon, but when I have a hankering for it, ooohh, I love it. Deviled ham, a little French's mustard, Wonder bread and mayyybe a little iceberg lettuce. Nasty, processed, probably carcinogenic and FANTASTIC.

OK, I'm getting way off-topic. I really want to talk about social networking websites; or as I call this new abomination: the social internetworking miscommunication phenomenon. Now before you think that all of my pontification is being decreed from some pious altar at The Church of St. Holier Than Thou, let me make this clear: I've fallen victim to the intoxication that can come with nearly all of these communication media. I have a MySpace page, a Facebook page, I use Google Chat, occasionally I use Yahoo! Messenger and I also have accounts with a couple of other instant messaging services that never get used (AIM, Bonjour, etc.). I also am a bit of a text message junkie, but the one new (well,not really that new any more) social networking tool that I refuse to use, and will never use is Twitter. I will NEVER tweet, I can guarantee it.

I really don't care how long it has been since the last time Ashton Kutcher dropped a deuce. If Paris Hilton has found something new to bestow the title of "hot" upon and feels the need to share it with all of her followers, then I really don't give a hoot. For that matter, is it just me, or does being a "follower" have a very unsavory, Pied Piper-esque ring to it? Are we now glorifying acting like sheep and obsessing over the lives of celebrities, rather than thinking for ourselves, reading books, making and breaking bread with friends, learning hobbies, going to museums or even just meeting friends for coffee? What I find even more unsavory about celebrity status now: one can be famous for no other reason than "just because" or "they're hot". It doesn't require any qualification of any kind, other than just being hot. You don't need to have talent, intelligence, experience, vision or compassion. Word to your motha: hot isn't really hot, it's lame.

As I said previously, however, I did at one point fall victim to the lure of MySpace and Facebook. It really was pretty cool to be able to find people from high school and be pleasantly surprised at how much many of my bulliers and tormentors of my adolescence had actually grown up and turned into sympathetic and enlightened human beings. I cannot tell you how many times I was stunned to get a message from somebody from high school who had been, at the time pretty darned unkind, but now would write to me some kind of variation on the following sentiments (by the way, what follows is actually a direct quote from one such person, and is a very good representative example): "It's really good to hear from you Parry, and to see that you have carved out what sounds like a very storied life. You probably didn't know it at the time, but in high school I was always in awe of and an admirer of your fearless and genuine presence. Your bravery always inspired me. You, more than almost anybody there, took that leap of faith, looked fear in the face and took the risk and resolved to be yourself." This came from a varsity football player, and was completely unexpected. It is not the only email I received that expressed some version of the same sentiments and observations about me.

It was also fun to be able to put pictures out for a larger group of friends and acquaintances, which allowed them to see my drag persona evolve. These sites definitely served a purpose for me at the time, but about a year ago, I started to notice some really obvious, and in my opinion undesirable changes in the spirit and tone of MS and FB: they had, for the most part, stopped being about social networking and keeping up with and/or finding old friends to a free advertising space for club promoters, PAC's, wannabe famouses, politicans and people either selling their cause du jour, or worse yet, cramming their agenda down my proverbial throat.

I haven't even gotten to my other big pet peeve with the medium. It might even be my biggest pet peeve, and that is the use of electronic communications to cop out when you're too afraid to actually talk to someone and/or heaven forbid, broach an unpleasant or uncomfortable interpersonal issue.

Electronic communications: preferred by 9 out of 10 cowards everywhere.

Please do not think for a minute that I am suggesting that I am above such cowardice. I've most certainly used text messaging and IM'ing when I felt really uncomfortable and/or hesitant about opening up a dialog about some interpersonal issue that was perhaps a little less than pleasant, light-hearted, non-confrontational or non-controversial. I've actually had a couple of lover's quarrels by text. If you think that this is preposterous or even just uncommon, ask around, and I doubt that you will have to look very far to find somebody who has been dumped by email, text or instant message.

Text messaging: keeping the human race socially and emotionally detached 1 person at a time.

More than a few times in the last year or so, I've actually been in the situation of having a face to face interpersonal human connection with another person of my generation, and more than a few times in these situations, the topic of discussion has veered to electronic communication media, and how they are likely fatally stunting the emotional and social skills development of an entire generation of children, adolescents and young adults. No doubt about this: there are first graders out there, and more than just a handful, that are far more computer-literate than I am, and though I'm not an expert, I can generally navigate my way through most common problems one has to deal with when using computers.

What really worries me about this generation described above however is thus: once this generation starts to move into adulthood, will there ever be interpersonal communications (formal or informal) that will involve being in close physical proximity, with grammatically correct, fully constructed sentences spoken, and truly meaningful subject matters being the topic of discussion? Or will this generation, and all generations forward, become so illiterate and socially inept, that communications will be dumbed down to abbreviations, acronyms, unintelligible slang and a series of snorts, clicks and grunts? Instead of going to a restaurant, reading the menu, ordering food, and then sitting and luxuriating over a fine dining experience, will the human race instead become a populace of overweight, undernourished, overstimulated and unimaginative swine that drive their SUV's to Wendy McJack In The Pizza Bell Kentucky King's (in your local strip mall, right between Wal-Mart and Costco), pull up to a marquee of unhealthy and unsatisfying inedible food-like, processed and "nutrient-enhanced" choices (but at least displayed on said marquee with pseudo-panache), order more calories in junk food than our body can handle in an entire day, overeat to the point of nausea and bloating, and then go home, lie on the couch, turn our eyes and brains to the television the laptop and the cellphone and whilst in a diabetic semi-coma, lie in wait of the inevitable ruptured gall bladders and appendixes, deadly cardiac atherosclerotic disease, rectal polyps, hemorrhoids, stomach cancers and deep vein thromboses? Will portion sizes continue to get more and more Flinstonian as time passes, to the point that meals will become less of a social bonding experience and more of a "feed the pigs at the trough" ritual? Or worse yet, a competition? What does it say about our society when competitive eating is now considered a sport; one that gets coverage on ESPN? I would think that eating 54 hot dogs in 5 minutes is nothing more or less than gluttonous perversion and gastronomic abomination, not athletic competition.

21st Century Technology: enabling intellectual, spiritual and physical lassitude one lazy fat fuck at a time.

So before the next time you decide to send me a friend request, a Plaxo, Twitter or Link'd In invitation or ask me to be one of your fans or followers, remember this: I will never tweet. I am completely ignoring my MS and FB pages. Half the time, I don't check the majority of my email accounts for weeks and months on end, save for my Gmail account (hint, poorly veiled). I may very well be a chicken and text you instead of calling you, just because I don't feel like talking. Not that I don't feel like talking to YOU, I just don't feel like talking period. It's a pretty sad day when the exertion that is required in order to answer or place a phone call and actually talk to someone is more than one can muster. And more often than not, that someone is me.

Laziness, Apathy, Disconnect and Isolation: they're the new black.




Doggydad's Life Now: The Viral Monologues by Parry Tallmadge is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at doggydad.blogspot.com.
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