Doggydad's life now: The Viral Monologues: The Battling Bickersons

Note to the reader: I have things that are important to know before you read this post:
1) It was started on January 5. For reasons that cannot be excused or rationalized, I've been sitting on this for weeks. I'll spare you the big stinking bag of BS and not insult your intelligence. I've just been lazy. And
2) There are discussions in this post of sexual matters that are' for an adult-audience only, and even then, probably too graphic for some of you. Now with that said, let's start the show...

It's interesting, I think, how some people can really jump the gun in their thought process, then share it unfiltered, as if they have the answer to whatever it is, or have a plan for you. I've started sharing with some people that my relationship with Brian has run its course, and more than once I've gotten this question thrown at me almost immediately: "Are you going to start dating again?" Holy crap, could you at least let his side of the bed get cold? I still have a lot of his belongings in my home; he hasn't emptied his drawer in the closet, I'm still working through this whole thing. That shouldn't be a shock; it's been all of 15 days since this happened. I don't bounce back quite that quickly in the best of circumstances.

This one is tough: there is no bad guy, nobody is to blame (I hate the blame game anyway), this isn't easy for either of us. I know I can speak for myself there, and if I'm making a false assumption on Brian's part, I'll be very surprised. We went out for 2 1/2 years, I know him pretty well. But if I'm off-base, my apologies to him. Sometimes things just don't work out. I think that is actually the case for a majority of breakups where you have been with the person for a significant period of time; for argument's sake, let's say a year. The majority of the time, at least in my experience, is that there isn't bad vs good, black vs white. Relationships, for the most part, are completely gray. Breakups usually involve two good people who have made mistakes. Maybe they figured out they didn't belong together, maybe never should have been together. Maybe the timing was wrong. Maybe one (or both) has no business in being in a relationship, period. I'm not going to say if any of these are the truth in the case of me and Brian, because honestly, it's irrelevant, it's private, and it's disrespectful to him to say much more. Those were merely examples that came to mind, nothing more.

But back to the first question I was discussing the answer is an unabashed "no, absolutely not, are you crazy?" In retrospect, I fell into this one far too soon and far too quickly, but that isn't a big surprise; new love is exciting. It sweeps you up and carries you away, in the best sense, at least in the beginning. Then, a year later, 2 years later, real life as a couple has really set in. You hear people talk all the time about the honeymoon being over, as if that is a bad thing. Honeymoons are great, they're exciting, they're passionate, they're usually full of hot sex and they pick you up like a wave. It's fun, but it's hardly relaxing. To the contrary, it's pretty exhausting. When the endorphins run out, everyone eventually crashes.

The period that follows the honeymoon is actually the time that I like the best (if the relationship is working, naturally). You're getting to really know each other, you're meeting the other person's friends and family. Even if you don't live together, you set up house if you're committed. It sounds silly, but giving somebody a drawer in your bedroom is a big deal, not that far from moving in. Some of their stuff is there, they have a drawer in the bathroom as well for their toiletries, they can come and go as they please, and if they're hungry, just raid the fridge, it's normal and expected. I've always had the "mi casa es su casa" mentality with lovers, friends and house guests anyway, it's how I was raised.

But back to the post-honeymoon phase; this is the period that I find most interesting. This is the settling in. You're finding out what that person's eccentricities are, what they like and don't like, what you like to do together. You can spend an evening together and not say a word and have it be completely comfortable. Well, I can. I'm quieter than most, especially at home. It's the cross you have to bear when like me - I'm cerebral, and for the most part, I live in my head. Unfortunately, it is also the time that you really start finding out how you push each others buttons. It's rarely done in a sinister manner, most people aren't going out and purposefully looking for ways to piss their partner off. But you sure find those buttons, and so do they. It's all subtle clues: body language, a look, a funky energy in the room, a sudden and uncomfortable silence. And then you log it. Usually it's more of a "take note of it so I don't do it again" thing, but even if that is the original motive, it also ends up being something that goes into the arsenal, to be used when you inevitably have a big disagreement.

I was talking in therapy the last couple of sessions about the whole breakup thing, and my main observation about relationships, especially from the outside looking in, is how combative, nasty and cruel most people are to their partners. This isn't just a few people, it's most people. I never really noticed it when I was with Ken, and I now know that it's because I was the same way. Even in relationships that I consider to be very good and very solid, communication between partners can be really nasty. The gloves are off, and you know where all the buttons are. After Ken's death, and pretty much continually for the last 3 years, I've noticed how terribly even the poeple that I know well and consider to be good people treat their partners.

At a dinner party, or an evening out on the town, I've found that you will inevitably hear people say terrible things to their partner. You'll see passive-aggressive behaviors that will leave you speechless. People will criticize and belittle their partner, all the while treating that partner like they aren't even in the room. You'll also hear grievances aired, some very personal in nature, out in public and in the presence of friends. I never noticed this before, and now, to be perfectly honest, I find witnessing it to be horribly uncomfortable, even if I've watched it happen for years and I know that these people really do love their partners. The whole scene will make me want to crawl out of my skin. I've tried every tactic to shut it down: change the subject, deflect the anger or defend the person being attacked, even telling people to knock it the hell off. None of them work, so I've now just taken the strategy of sitting silently and mentally checking out as much as possible so that I don't have to listen or risk getting drawn into the fight.

The old saying that "you always hurt the one you love" is far more true than I ever would have admitted before having this enlightenment. I know that for me that also affected my ability to have a good relationship with Brian; I could be a real dick to him. I could be really subtle, and most people wouldn't even catch what I was doing, but I knew full well what was happening, as did Brian, I'm sure. Seeing that side of myself and finally having the ability to realize what was going on really soured me and gave me little hope that I can sustain a happy and loving partnership.

In addition, I really don't feel the compulsion to couple up that I've always felt in the past. For the first time in my adult life, I've lived alone for an extended period of time, and for the first time I love it. I like myself, and I especially like getting to know myself better. I also think it's easier because I no longer feel the compulsive need to have a soul mate; I already have had one. I think you're lucky to have that once in your life, and having had it, I don't feel the need to search it out again. I've gotten older, hopefully wiser, definitely more open to new personal insight, and as such, I'm plenty of company for myself.

I was talking a few weeks ago about this with my friend Gene, since as he knew, I had pretty much always had a partner all my adult life, and when I didn't have that I always had at least a roommate. I was telling Gene that this was the first time in my life that I could picture living alone for the rest of my life and being very satisfied with it. Gene had a very astute insight: after hearing this, he said "Parry, you're an Aries (and so is Gene); Aries always think that they can't live alone, but once they live alone, they then don't think that they can ever live with someone else again." Now I'm pretty skeptical of Astrology, but he did have a point; that pretty much does describe me. At the very least, I can picture never living with another lover and being happy with it. But I also am pretty sure that at some point me and my best friend Deanna will live together, probably after she retires. For years now, we have talked about her retirement, and have had a plan that at that point she will sell her house, I'll sell some of my property off, and we'll buy a plot of land in rural Western Montana and build a big house for us and all of the animals. For me it will be for about half of the year, for her, likely most of the year.

Deanna is the only person that I can realistically see that working with. We love each other, we accept each others' eccentricities without judgment or a desire to change each other, and we know that no matter what she may do to me or me to her, we will never hate each other. I have to give Deanna credit for that definition, and I have to say that I've never really heard a definition of a best friend that I've related to better than that one: a best friend is someone that will never hate you, no matter how badly you screw up or what you do. She is one of the few people I can be around 24/7, never say a word, and not find the silence to be the least bit disconcerting. We don't need to talk, our true communication is at a much deeper level. I also know that if I call her on the phone and say that I need her with me right now, she will be on the next plane, no questions asked. She has actually proven that already, when Ken died. I called her sobbing, trying to tell her what happened, and all she said was "I'm going to get your mother, buy the plane tickets, and we'll be on the next flight out." And she was.

But as for a lover: I'm not excluding it, so to honestly answer it I'll say "I'm not seeking it, but I'll also never say never". I also will be far more cautious about entering another relationship if I decide to take the leap. I need to not let myself get carried away in the excitement of new love. Right now, what I really miss more than anything is not what I expected, and not what you probably thought I was going to say: I miss companionship. I miss having someone to snuggle with in the evening or on a Sunday morning. I miss having somebody to fall asleep holding or them holding me. I honestly would not mind having a sort of steady companion, we wouldn't even have to live together. Someone whose eccentricities don't bother me, or mine them. Someone who knows when to be there and when to leave me alone, or at the very least, they don't get bent out of shape when I tell them I need to be left alone. I'm not well-known for sugar-coating my words, you need to take them at their face value and not read anything into them. I've found that there are very few gay men that can work with that. Now if more straight men would just sleep with me, I would have it made. Sorry to generalize folks, but most straight guys get my communication style and demeanor a whole lot better than most gay men do. As the old saying goes "who do I have to sleep with in this town to get a drink?". My version is "who do I have to sleep with in this town to find someone that gets me?" What I don't miss in a relationship, however, is the fighting, bickering, undercutting, and small-minded insults which are hurled just for the sole purpose of hurting someone.

I've now actually started, sort of fitfully and uncomfortably, going out on what I'll call, for the lack of a better term, dates. I'm not going out to find someone to partner up with; to be perfectly honest, I'm out there looking for a couple of normal, sane, sober and easy-going guys to shag. Ideally, I would love to have a stable (don't I sound like a pimp?) of 3 or so guys that I can count on for semi-regular sex and companionship. FWB's (friends with benefits), if you will. Now the traditional gay way of doing this is to meet guys and shag and then see if you work well together. But as I get older and more discerning, I would really like to spend a few hours with someone, in our clothes, in a social setting, just to test the waters, and expressly without the intent of getting laid that day. The other benefit of this approach is that I really don't want to sleep with a plethora of men in the pursuit of my goal. I really would love to not ever get another STD, and the way to decrease your risk, as with any communicable diseases, is to decrease your exposure. The other way is to make educated choices.

In a manner that would come as no surprise to my friends, I have a rather direct interview process before I sleep with someone (or at least most of the time, my goal is to always do it, though). Once we figure out that we like each others company, my list of questions comes out, and are as follows:

How many people have you slept with in the last 6 months?

What recreational drugs do you use? That includes alcohol, prescription drugs, weed, mushrooms, alphabet soup (the party drugs: A, E, G, K, T - if you don't know what I'm talking about, Google it), crystal meth, cocaine, crack, heroin...you get the idea. I will say, I've never had sex with a heroin addict. Or if I did I had no idea, and that would be unlikely. I can sniff out a guy on crystal meth better than most, and they can actually maintain better - until they're addicted and paranoid, or taking out the wiring in their house, picking open their skin, etc.. But early on, they're harder to catch. Not for me. I take an ADHD drug, so I am much more tuned in to someone who is spun out on stimulants. And btw, the answer for my typical recreational substance use is a rare glass of wine, an occasional bowl or two of weed (less than once a month), which is prescribed - I really don't use weed as a recreational drug anyway; it makes me too stupid, and I'm stupid enough already. I generally use it for nausea and neuropathic pain. Very rarely, I've had a line of coke at a party, I won't lie, but basically, I'm pretty L7 (square). I barely hit caffeine on a regular basis, except for chocolate, and my morning tea, which more often than not, gets a sip taken out of it and is then forgotten.

Next question: how often do you have an STD screening done? Note: for sexually active gay men, the gold standard is a screen every three months, which includes a syphilis test, throat and rectal swabs (for gonorrhea), urine test for UTI's (like chlamydia), a visual of the groin for any suspicious lesions and a check of the poop chute for rectal venereal warts (they are often internal). I know, that last sentence wasn't pretty, but medicine usually isn't pretty, and I'm a clinical thinker. Would you have rather I said rectum than poop chute? I think rectum sounds nastier, personally.

Next question: on average, how many different men would you say that you tend to have as sex partners over a 3 or 6 month period? There's really no cut and dry number that I'll cut off at, but let's say that if that answer surpasses 1-1.5 guys per month on average, I'll probably red-flag it and base how much it concerns me on how they answer the rest of the questions.

Next, how often do you practice safer sex, or more importantly, how often do you have unsafe sex? And yes, a lot of guys still have unsafe sex, most of us aren't perfect (actually, I don't personally know a single HIV+ guy that hasn't barebacked (again, Google it if you don't know what it means) at one time or another. It's definitely more pernicious in the HIV-infected community, and even more so, among drug-addicted people. HIV+ men tend to conveniently forget that there are other STD's out there besides HIV, and drug addicts tend to make poor choices about safer sex when they are high and their judgment is impaired. Then, and these are even more disgusting, there are a couple of groups of guys out in the gay community (I haven't heard of it outside of the gay community, though it may well be there) whose behaviors are nothing short of atrocious. The first is a group that we less than affectionately call "the bug chasers". These are HIV- guys (allegedly) who have prolific unprotected sex with the sole intent of getting infected. It used to be, and is still thought to often be the case that many of these guys wanted to go on disability for the rest of their lives. It's not that simple now, as I'm sure many guys who have tried it have found out. Personally, I think that it is more of a thrill-seeking behavior. This is the macabre extreme of the mentality of guys that compete in extreme sports, a lot of it is for the thrill. The next is the group that I call "the AIDS commandos"; far less common, but even more heinous, these are HIV+ guys that knowingly and deceptively have unprotected sex with (allegedly) HIV- guys for one or both of the following reasons: the first is to just knowingly throwing caution to the wind and not consider the consequences their actions have on others, or even worse, guys with the sole intent of infecting negative guys. Thankfully the latter group is pretty small, or so I suspect. Before I leave this, the point has to also be made that these negative guys bear equal culpability. They can say "no" to barebacking at anytime, unless they're rufied, raped or otherwise not having consensual sex.

Now I really try not to judge when it comes to sexual practices. I probably have a more perverted brain then at least 80% of the population out there, so I would be hard-pressed to be the first to cast aspersions on the choice of others. That said, bug chasing and knowingly infecting people are right up there at the top of my Creepy Sexual Practices list, along pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia and rape (which is really a crime of violence, not a sexual crime, but I'm not going to split hairs here). I really do think it's that bad, and also that devoid of any rational explanation. That's akin to licking the drinking glass used by someone with SARS or H1N1 or worse yet, Ebola, or getting on a subway train with a vial of anthrax, the sole purpose being to willfully inoculate innocent people with a dangerous or deadly contagion, just to see what happens.

And my last question, and this can often be the most telling if they are honest is: do you prefer anonymous/one-time encounters, or do you prefer someone you have some familiarity with? Most guys will actually be pretty honest about this, because if they really and truly are one-timers, they aren't out on a date like this. But sometimes they are, and if so, they will often tell you so. It's a waste of time to not be honest, and worse yet, you're likely to really piss someone off by your dishonesty. In my experience, the reason that guys don't get past the first shag, even when they meet on a no-sex date first, is because sexual chemistry is a strange and fickle thing. It happens for no better reason then that it just does. It's happened to me more than once, and it's happened to most gay men. Another way to ask this and elicit basically the same data is to ask: after sex, do you like to linger, cuddle, talk and maybe go at it again if you have the stamina, or would you prefer to get out of bed and get on with the rest of your day or get home and go to bed? Again, my experience is that guys usually don't lie about this, because it does them no good; they will get busted the first time the clothes come off.

So I'm now (sort of) back in the game, but with a far different attitude and perspective than ever before in my life. I think there are a lot of reasons why I look at sex more respectfully, even sacredly, than I used to:
1) I'm getting older. I'll be 50 this year, and I don't have the libido I had 30 years ago. Thank God for that; I would probably have a heart attack in the act.
2) I'm a far more spiritual man than I ever have been in my life. It's true that I've spent a lot of my life shopping and soul-searching to find a spirituality that made sense to me and gave me a rational perspective on my life and the world at large. The difference now is really that I've been far more disciplined about my study. I actually study nearly every day, and have for almost (a couple of months shy of) 3 years now; something I've never done in my life before this. Interestingly, it's now become a lot less about getting closer to God (though that is often the result); it's about seeing what in my life has put me spiritually where I am now. Why do I have the same struggles as always, but also let them have a far less deleterious effect on my psyche and self-esteem? Why do I want to study every day, rather than see it as a chore? Why does it seem to permeate my life far more completely than any study I've done before; not just my sexual life, but more generally, my entire secular life? There is far more blurring of the lines between sacred and secular for me now, and I think it's good, and the move has been in a more sacred and spiritual direction. It feels like it matters more to me, in spite of what anyone else thinks of my views (which is immaterial).
3) I want my sexual experiences to be about more than my genitalia and an ejaculation, I want it to be a connection with another person on many levels: intellectual, spiritual, corporeal and emotional. Half the time, I don't even orgasm when I have sex as of late, nor do I need to in order to enjoy myself. I just look at sex differently from most men, especially now.
4) I don't ever get so horny anymore that I'll bend my rules, compromise and settle for less than what I want and know I can get. No sexual partner is worth that. If I'm going to do that, it's no different than going to a prostitute or a strip club, and at least then, I'm being more honest about my motives.

Now that said, it's been a pretty crappy last couple of months with the Interferon, emotionally about the worst so far. I'm really going to delve into that more in my next post (which I'm starting tonight or early tomorrow, by the way), but I say this now, because what has been crappier is my mental health, more so than anytime prior during the course of treatment. Rather than true deep clinical depression, which is very common with this drug, and as I've heard validated by many former patients, for me it's been a deep sense of ennui and apathy, which has been expressed by me not being productive. I've not been writing, I've been reading less and I've been watching TV more. I've also spent an inordinate amount of time online on the hookup sites. I've not really hooked up that much, but I've pissed away far too many hours at it. More that the actual waste of time, what I hate about it is the way that wasting tons of my time looking at porn online and cruising the hookup sites makes me feel about myself. It's not that I feel bad about being low-energy, it's that I feel bad about how I'm acting on it. To put it simply, I have an insidious and all-permeating case of the I Don't Cares. At this point I can handle it, and I feel that way only because I've been here before in my life, but in the past, it took me a much longer time to even realize what was happening, much less doing anything about it, and that was long before I ever injected interferon into my abdomen. I think that having my radar set so sensitively because of the potential psychiatric adverse events that have been reported with this drug has given me a profound and healthy respect for the drug. I've been far more consistent and honest in my soul-searching; right now, that is on a daily basis. For the last couple of weeks I've done my best to start the morning with an honest emotional and mental health self-inventory. I look at how I feel, compare it to how I felt the day before, the week before, the month before, etc., and then figure out what I need to do to achieve the most positive possible outcomes for that day.

What I've noticed from this is the following: I'm setting a limit on my computer time (except for my writing and any official business that needs to be done). I'm setting a limit on the amount of TV I'm watching. For the last two days, the televisions have not been turned on in my home, even to watch a movie.

I'm living in a quiet house, no background TV or music and really paying attention to my surroundings. It's amazing how all the media that we now have available has effected the amount of quiet time that most people have. I'm hearing sounds I've never heard before in my home: the birds out in the trees around the feeder, the cat wandering around the house, the sounds that the house makes, the sound of the refrigerator cycling on and off, the sounds of passing cars, and even just the background electrical noise. The other day, I caught a failing transformer in my cook top (for the electronic ignition) long before I otherwise would have; it probably would have failed before I caught it, under normal circumstances. Even the repairman didn't hear it right away. I can hear things that amaze me, and I find it quite eye-opening. I'm also rather stunned that I like the silence. I'm a guy that for most of my adult life have had a problem falling asleep without the TV or radio going. Now I fall asleep better without it making noise.

I'm also reading again, daily and for a good couple of hours at least. I've continued to study the course and meditate daily, sometimes twice a day. The one thing that has probably taken the worst hit is my writing. I've been really bad about writing every day, even once a week. Because of this, my head gets clogged with too many thoughts because they aren't getting written down, and I'm losing some really good material out into the ether, because I'm not making note of it in order to expound on it later. I shudder when I think about what I've lost here, but I also need to let go of those regrets, and instead, observe what these regrets feel like and hopefully have those observations have a positive effect on changing my habits.

I look back at the last 3 years of my life, and at the time before that, and I realize how much I've changed. The world around me has changed much as well, but what really stands out is how different I am. I think back to that time shortly before Ken died, and the person that I am now barely recognizes the man I used to be. I don't look at anything of importance the same way that I used to. It honestly feels like that person of 3 years ago isn't even me. All my memories of that time are very cloudy and disjointed, if I remember things at all. There was a period from around November 2006 to March 2008 that also feels, to a substantial degree, like I was sleep walking. I remember little of that time, much less than I would expect, and what I do remember, I take those memories as suspect for accuracy. There is much good that has happened to me, along with much bad. I'm glad for all of the experiences, but I'm also completely disinterested in reliving most of these memories. I've not had a life bereft of excitement, drama, tough times, hard lessons, ecstatic joy, high highs and low lows. I have actually had a very interesting life. More than anything, what keeps it interesting is that it is always evolving and changing. I'm also observing as of late that what I find interesting in life these days is far less of the exciting variety, and far more of the subtle but life-altering variety, on a very deep level and one that is far from transient in nature.

To put it simply, it seems that finally I might actually be growing up.